“If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.”
–Bobcat Goldthwait

“My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That’s how she learned how to swim. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’ ”
–Paula Poundstone

“Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?”
–John Mendoza

“Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.”
–Steven Wright

“A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.”
–Conan O’Brien

“USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.”
–David Letterman

“I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.”
–Lily Tomlin

“The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war.  Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe
clippers right here.’”
–Jerry Seinfeld

Source: http://netscrap.com/netscrap_detail.cfm?scrap_id=622